By John Gardner
UPDATE: Be sure to read the parent comments at the end of this article.
Over a decade after high school graduation, he told his parents he was bullied as a high school freshman, not telling them at the time because he feared they’d make a big deal of it.
He DID go to a teacher who ignored or brushed aside his emotional plea. In his valedictorian speech at graduation three years later, when he listed the “Top 10 Things I Learned in High School”, one of them was…..
“….that my head really does fit in a gym locker.”
Still no response. This was before all the more recent publicity of the terribly negative lifetime impact that bullying can have….but
…there is no excuse for inaction. EVER!
Fortunately, this story doesn’t end tragically…. but that doesn’t make it right.
Bullying in Band…..surely not, right?
A band family is a unique organism, for some, more stable than the family at home. With open participation, they come from varieties of socio-economic backgrounds. One of the powerful positives of participation is that students who would not normally associate learn to cooperate and collaborate for the good of the group….and most do.
Some of their opinions and communications can be tactless or thoughtless, but just as the Indiana weather is always changing, teens can have wide emotional fluctuations, as if they ride constantly moving drama-coasters; today they love, tomorrow they hate, the day after that they’re best buds…. and most of that can be attributed to teenage-ness and works its way to positive life lesson learning.
I do not ask about the boyfriend or girlfriend because that is often yesterday’s news. Even when adult wisdom suggests a particular coupling may not be good for one or both, so long as there is not obvious danger, teens can learn from the consequences of poor decisions. Besides, they have enough intrusion into their lives at school with a hundred teachers (and dozens of cameras) monitoring hallways, doorways, parking lot, the bus hub, the cafeteria, etc…
Unlike other academic classes, band students are together after school, on weekends, in summer — for several years. Some formerly connected have moved on to other others. Most remain friends, or are at least civil, dealing with it and learning from it. Not too long ago, I found myself in the band office having a friendly chat with some alumni. One of them had married another’s fiancée. All were civil.
Recognizing bullying would be easier if the boundary was a fluorescent orange line. Unfortunately, the line is not only non-flourescent, but can be subjective, fuzzy and mobile. Some acts are clear cut and require immediate action. Other times, discerning the difference between mutual horsing around and bullying can be challenging and potentially problematic, especially if you get it wrong. Once, when I asked a student privately about something I had seen, after assuring me that everything and everyone was innocent, he closed with….
I really appreciate your checking on me. That means a lot.
Similarly, there is a difference between a disagreement and an organized attack, physical or virtual. Cyber-bullying can be as hurtful and harmful as a schoolyard fight.
A few years ago, after I had addressed an incident with both students and their parents, I posted the following on my personal Facebook page. All who needed to see it had access. And hopefully a few others took note…
Students sometimes fail to appreciate the value of a strong teacher recommendation when it comes time to apply for scholarships, college admission and jobs. I am happy to write letters and make/answer calls for those who have been loyal and committed in band; for those who demonstrate a quality work ethic and strong character, not only in how you relate to me, but also to each other. When do you think I start watching for that? There have not been many times that I have refused to endorse, support or recommend someone … but it has happened. As we have discussed multiple times in band…, admiration, trust and respect are easier to lose than they are to regain. Should we discuss that again? Start strong, stay strong, finish strong.
So, what do you do and when do you do it?
Sometimes involvement in error can cause hard and long-lasting feelings. After some unacceptable behavior, I suggested to the parent that a harassment accusation could be difficult to defend. Perhaps I should have used a different word or form of communication, because even though all is well between teacher and student (at least from the teacher perspective) all is not well.
Generally speaking, I suggest and try to live by the following:
Assume nothing.
Ignore nothing.
Be careful about doing nothing.
Be CARE-ful – period.
Several years ago, in my fundraising business offices, I put little bumper strip size posters next to each phone that said “Assume Nothing”, because it was when we made assumptions that we got in trouble with customers. Teachers can get in big trouble both for inaction and incorrect action.
I ask students a simple question,
You okay?
Whether they tell me the truth or not, at least they had an opportunity to tell me something without having to come to me to do it.
Another question I have used, most often in a joking manner after the student has seen me talking with a parent at a concert, band parent meeting or other band function…
Is it true?
Usually I do that just to have some fun with the student, but it could also be used in a serious way. Be careful though, because you might get more information than you were looking for.
Document everything. Email is good because it makes a good paper trail. If you Text or Message with students or parents, keep them until the child graduates. Otherwise, use something to keep notes of significant events. Most computerized grade books also have note-taking capabilities. Most people do NOT take/keep notes. Stories change and grow….but it is difficult to win an argument against an organized teacher with detailed notes with filenames and dates.
My son was mercilessly bullied in band and is still the brunt of trashy rumors after he graduated. Their excuse: “It was mandated by a section leader , we were told to destroy him so he doesn’t even think about applying for the Band scholarship, it’s just for fun–there’s no lasting damage, he’s retarded, right–he doesn’t get it so why does it hurt? He should be flattered that we are picking on him. Yes, these were all used as excuses. The problem was ignored and swept under the rug. Now, my child is distraught, anxious, and traumatized. And his little brother has been threatened with the same or worse treatment when he comes in for being the retard, the snitch’s little brother. Parents and students alike have made threats. I was asked by a school official, “Now aren’t you ashamed that you took on the band and reported it.” My response, “No, I wish I had done it sooner.” Still fighting this garbage and just exhausted with it
Wow! That’s terrible. I am so sorry you and your son went through that. As an instrumental teacher, I can tell you that kind of stuff is not tolerated around the program here. We meet with freshmen to make sure THEY know that — and we have offered leadership training for upper class people in areas of responsibility. I’m sure I don’t know everything that happens, but people know they have a way to make it stop if it ever starts. John
I did a search of “has anyone experienced bullying in band” and your article came up. I noted at the very beginning of your article it mentions “open participation”. That is a half-truth at my child’s school. They have a JV marching squad, which encompasses the students that either don’t want to be on Varsity for the competitions or students they deem unworthy of training to march and play in the competitions. I think it’s fine for kids who choose but for those that try and aren’t selected, they are treated poorly. Also, as a band parent, I’m asked to pay the $550 for fees, game day meals, and uniform cleaning, so my kid can play in the stands and not go out on the field (JV attend all football games as part of the pep band). The selections are made supposedly by teachers, however, my friend’s son is on the leadership team for a different instrument and informed me that the student section leaders pretty much decide who make Varsity so if your child is not liked, they are not selected. It is sad for us and my child, who loves playing the instrument and being at the games. This is very different from when I was in school – anybody who was in band was considered part of the marching band and went on the field. In 2020 when there were no competitions, my child loved the band because everyone was accepted and on the field. When did competitions become more important than teaching children – isn’t that what band directors are…teachers of music. My child is considering quitting for the senior year and giving up on something that brought such joy.
That is indeed a sad and unfortunate commentary on the way things are NOT to be. I’m recently retired, but we always bragged that our competitive bands were the only team in the school that had no “bench”. Everybody is in. Everybody is a starter. The only audition band we have is a Jazz Band, which has limited size and specific instrumentation. Have you spoken to the director(s)? If you have, I’d move on up the chain. Your child deserves better. When we compete, it is more about improving our score, getting better and such. We do compare how we’ve done against rival schools, but it is not a win or bust kind of thing.