Happy Birthday to a former boss
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How May I Serve YOU?
Personal Philosophy / Rationale Statement for Teaching
My decision to become a band director came during the Morehead State University Band Clinic during my 7th grade year. I purchased my first baton at the clinic. I was primarily influenced by three of my teachers.
James Copenhaver (Dr. Copenhaver, 34-yr Director of Bands at the University of South Carolina) was my beginning teacher during my first year (and his first year of teaching) and high school band director for two years. I wanted to be just like him. He pulled me aside Freshman year and said something like….
If you want to be a band director, you’re going to have to go to college. Your family may not be able to afford that…so I suggest you use your four years in high school to make yourself good enough that by the time you graduate, colleges will want to pay you to come.
They did.
Robert Roden taught me how to play clarinet during my high school years. I never heard him play (heart condition), but he had a good way of describing what I should do to play well. At my band director’s urging, he allowed me to “audition” for a spot in his studio. After hearing me, he made me a deal…
“You play well. I can help you get better. But you can’t afford me. As it turns out, I have a bad heart and can’t do yard work or heavy lifting. So, if you would be willing to cut my grass or shovel my snow, or do any other jobs around my house as needed, then I will provide you clarinet lessons until the day you show up here unprepared. Do we have a deal?”
Yes. And he kept his word. Senior year I received a “I+” (not a legal ranking) at solo festival, was 1st chair in All-State, 1st chair in an Honor Band (top spot in the top band out of six at the clinic), 1st chair at two summer music camps, and 1st chair in the United States Collegiate Wind Band that toured Europe and the U.S.S.R.
Tragically, he died in a fire at a dinner club where he was playing. He got out of the building, but went back in to get his music. My father was an off-duty Fire Chief on the scene.
The third person was my college clarinet professor. He was a terrible human, hated teaching girls, hated teaching clarinet (wanted to be orchestra director)…..but set his standards high and used fear, intimidation, and humiliation to force improvement. At least he taught me how to prepare.
My musical career from 5th grade through college was about performance and competition. My first teaching assignment was a small rural school (I had gone to a large inner-city high school) was a shocking experience for me. When I would encourage a parent to provide for private instruction, I was told that I was the teacher. When recommending a step-up instrument, I was asked what was wrong with the one they bought. Since there were limited resources, I refocused on the concept of teaching students how to achieve success. In 2005, when I had an opportunity to meet with a group of former students, not a single one had gone into music as a vocation, but all had children in band because of the positive experience they had. I felt reinforced. Because of the way the bar had been set for me, I set the bar high there, expected them to reach it – and most did. As a group, they achieved much success, reaching 4th in state in two of my four years with over 20% of the high school in the ensemble.
Now, back in education after two decades away (which means I’ve missed all the current training over that time), I describe myself as the old guy with youthful enthusiasm. I would have to label myself a social efficiency-ist, which I realize sets me in confrontation with a lot of current teaching and training. I’ll try to keep an open mind.
Here are some statements I put in a brochure I send to parents of potential private instruction students. I call them my Gardner-isms:
Good Grades Do Pay – and I can prove it.
Colleges Pay for those who Play – well!
It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose — until you lose.
If the notes are on the paper, it is your job to play ALL of them.
If you’re going to play it, you might as well play it right.
The view from 1st chair is much better.
Private Lessons can be like paying for college — one week at a time.
Be prepared: Make sure your parents are getting their money’s worth.
Santa isn’t the only one who knows whether you’ve been bad (no practice) or good.
You can’t sight read in your lesson and get away with it. I’m better than that.
Like the ice skater who misses the quad, missing notes in public can hurt.
Anybody can be mediocre. Not you. Not with me. Don’t even think about it.
You can practice hard now and have fun at performance, or you can have fun now…
Do you really want to pay me to tell you it was good — if it wasn’t?
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10+ Gump-ism-style Advice Lines for Bands, Students and Parents
In the spirit of Forrest Gump who put out Gump-isms like, “Life is like a box of chocolates…..You never know what you’re gonna get”, I offer the following sayings that sometime happen in band rehearsals and private studio lessons.
“Good Grades Do Pay.”
We all hear about college paying for good athletes, but they will also pay for good intellectuals. Pick up a brochure from just about any college and you’ll find a place in there where they list things like 1) Average SAT/ACT score or 2) National Merit Scholars.
If your SAT/ACT score is higher than the college’s average, then they WANT YOU because you will raise their average. To many schools, both the average SAT/ACT scores and the number of National Merit Scholars they have represent “bragging rights”. But instead of accidentally stumbling into success, strategically plan for it, and then systematically execute your plan.
The first major test is one often ignored, the PSAT (Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test). Sophomores and Juniors can take the PSAT, which gives colleges some early information they can use to recruit. The PSAT is also the NMSQT (National Merit Scholar Qualifying test). Colleges will pay for National Merit Scholars. They brag about how may NM Scholars they have in their community. This is a test worth practicing and preparing for. Treat your preparation as a part-time job.
How much money can you make at minimum wage?
The other test(s) worth studying and preparing for are the SAT, the ACT and the SAT II’s (specific subject tests required by some schools).
“Colleges Pay for those who Play – WELL!”
Don’t ignore the ARTS corner of the Triangle-A (Athletics, Academics, Arts). I remember a conversation I had with son #1 as we sat in the driveway of his trumpet teacher’s house and I was writing that check for an hour-long lesson:
“I am paying for your college education one week at a time.
By the time you get to college,
you need to be good enough
that colleges will pay for you.”
I did not pay for MY college education. As one of five children raised in a single parent household by a polio survivor mother, I knew there was no way my family could send me to college. I knew that the only way I would get to college was for a college to pay for me to come. I wasn’t going to qualify academically and was completely non-Athletic. But by 8th grade, I realized I could play the clarinet pretty well – and set off on a track to make that my way in to college. Some of the things I did related to that:
* When my friends were out cruising, I was practicing.
(Not much choice as I didn’t have a car.)
* When my friends were going to the movies, I was practicing.
(Not much choice as I didn’t have spending money.)
* I took clarinet lessons all through high school.
* I participated in Summer Music Camps. I spent three 4-week sessions at the Stephen Foster Music Camp at Eastern Kentucky University and two summers at the 2-week Summer Camp at Morehead State University. Colleges offer camps and clinics to recruit: to get to know prospects and to give them an opportunity to fall in love with the college. In those cases, I got to study for short times with the clarinet professors at both universities. When it came time to select a college, both of those were recruiting me because they already knew me. And, of course, having intense rehearsals and master classes all day for the summer makes one a much better musician.
* I auditioned for specialty and clinic bands. Northern Kentucky had a “Select Band” which rehearsed for 1-2 days and gave a concert. I also participated all 4 years in the Kentucky All-State Band. There was the Morehead State University Band Clinic.
* I participated in several ensembles and played a solo every year at Solo/Ensemble Festival. I received 1-II, 14-I’s and 1-I+. Both my sons surpassed that, with Son #2 achieving over 42 Gold Medal ratings in District and State in instrumental and vocal.
Son #1 did not pay for his college education. Do you notice anything similar about our paths and strategies?
* Trumpet Lessons starting in 7th grade.
* Honor Band
* Solo/Ensemble Festival – three trips to State
* Music Camp – (KY) twice
* Music Camp – (IN)
* Jazz Camp – (TN)
* Youth Symphony
* All-State Band
* Summer Substitute with the Philharmonic Orchestra
* Everything Band in high school, including Marching (2yrs), Concert, Jazz, Varsity Brass (Show Choir Backup), Musicals.
In fact, there were some semesters when he would register for classes that the school would give HIM a check. That was because each year:
– $2500 each year from the Presidential Scholarship (National Merit Finalist)
– $2000 each year from the University to completely cover in-state-tuition
– $5000 from the Honors Program (ACT score, National Honor Society) to completely cover out of state tuition
– $3500 from the Music Department to completely cover housing
– $1000 from the Trumpet Studio
======
$14,000 … at a time when the total cost at TTU (Tennessee Tech) was about $10,500/yr.
He also received local scholarships. I recall that for one of those scholarships he called the person in charge because he missed the “postmark date” and wanted to see if he could drive it to her home (local). Her response was, “Please do, honey ….. your application will be the only one we have.” See scholarship -ism below.
Son #2 went to a Top Tier school for a state school price. That university’s current tuition is over $61,000/yr. He had the grades but not the money. An Admissions counselor made me a promise (which they kept),
“If we decide we want him,we will get him here.”
It is sad to see high school students who are pretty good in their local band go off to top-ranked music schools to face rejection because they settled for mediocrity in high school – because they could. Some of the students I teach at the university come in as music majors never having studied privately. It is really hard to make it at the college level without specialty instruction in high school. There is only so much that can be done in the large ensemble for which there is a “free” teacher. Assuming there is some talent/ability involved, you can almost look at the concept as a “Pay Now vs Pay Later”.
You can INVEST in your training and experiences throughout high school and go for the music scholarships in college, or PAY the sticker price.
“It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose — until you lose.”
I used to have a poster in front of my band room showing a rifle girl, her head down as she was dragging her rifle behind her…..featuring that quote.
“If the notes are on the paper, it is your job to play ALL of them.”
This was my response to a student who asked, “How much of it do we have to play?” I often tell students that it is my job as a director to help mold and blend the sound, and to correct errors…… not to teach notes. Learning the notes is the student’s job.
“If you’re going to play it, you might as well play it right.”
Why hurt the ensemble and waste valuable rehearsal time when it doesn’t take that much more effort to do it right the first time?
“The view from 1st chair is much better.”
“Private Lessons can be like paying for college — one week at a time.”
“Be prepared: Make sure your parents are getting their money’s worth.”
I have had students come to clarinet/sax lessons without their music, ….. and one, without his instrument. One college music major lesson started (and ended) like this:
Student: I don’t know how to tell you this, but I just didn’t have time to practice this week.
Me: This is your 3rd week in a row with excuses. This is your major instrument. This is your major. This is just as important as that English, Math or Psychology assignment. This affects your grade too. I heard you sight-read this music last week when it was supposed to be practiced to performance-grade. I don’t need to hear you sight-read it again. You take this time and practice. I’ll see you next week.
When I was paying for lessons, I wanted my money’s worth. And I tell my students to give their parents their money’s worth, i.e. don’t waste my time or their money.
“Santa isn’t the only one who knows whether you’ve been bad (no practice) or good.”
If you engage in systematic study, your teacher/coach will get to know you well enough to know when you’ve practiced for your lesson. Make sure your parents are getting their money’s worth.
“You can’t sight read in your lesson and get away with it. I’m better than that.”
“Like the ice skater who misses the quad, missing notes in public can hurt.”
Mistakes are going to happen. They just are. When you watch ice skating on TV, even at the world championship or Olympic level, there are mistakes. What I often explain in private lessons is that they probably hit that jump a high percentage of times in practice. Performance rarely goes better than practice. If you aren’t doing it in practice, what do you think will happen in performance?
“Anybody can be mediocre. Not you. Not with me. Don’t even think about it.”
Mediocre means average. Anybody can be average. When talking about the lukewarm (mediocre) church, Jesus said he would prefer that it had been hot or cold, but because it was lukewarm, he would spit it out of His mouth. The Star Wars Jedi Knight Yoda says, “Do, or do not, there is no TRY”.
“You can practice hard now and have fun at performance, or you can have fun now…”
High school life is so much about social life and relationships. The tendency is to bring that into the rehearsal. You can take it easy now, but then be disappointed with the results — or you can work hard, pay the price and enjoy the rewards and satisfaction of demonstrated excellence.
“Do you really want me to tell you it was good — if it wasn’t?”
Students usually know if it was good or bad. There is that balance between encouragement and improvement. When that balance is achieved, improvement happens. After a tough run of a marching band show, as we were ending the rehearsal, which we usually tried to do on a ‘high note’, after another staff member gave a critique, I asked the students; “Do you want the sugar-coated version, or do you want it straight?” They wanted it straight – which enabled us to end on a ‘good note’.
“Fix it — or I will find you!”
I’m decent with those “hearing eyes” and “seeing ears”, i.e. knowing whether what you’re hearing from the ensemble is what you are looking at in the score. There would be times I would hear something, stop the ensemble, look at the score — and then in the general direction the mistake came from. They know I could find them, and sometimes, by the time I would look up, there would already be a student with his/her hand up confessing, “It was me.”
10+ Gump-ism-style Advice Lines for Bands, Students and Parents Read More »
Solo contest judge’s #1 recommendation
By John Gardner
Most participants in high school solo competitions are only in the performance room long enough for his/her performance and maybe for a couple friends’. They could learn so much by sitting and listening/observing for a while.
During some down time in between local student performances at a state level contest, I sat in a few performance rooms just to hear examples of what other students around the state are doing. I did not expect to see the wide range of performance quality given that I was at a STATE level contest and everyone participating had already received a GOLD (top) rating at district competition. If I had to summarize that experience, it would be with the conclusion that…
…not all music education results are created equal.
…
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Avoid mistakes choosing a contest solo
By John Gardner
Sometimes I sit in the clarinet room during the upper level solos at Solo and Ensemble festival. There is a painful pattern of poor choices in music selection and interpretation, including the selection and performances of Sonata and Concerto pieces.
Choosing a Sonata vs Concerto for the wrong reason(s)
A brief music theory overview.
A Concerto is generally written for a Concert Hall …. for a Concert …. featuring a soloist with an orchestral accompaniment. It is normally 3 movements long; a bombastic first movement, a beautiful and contrastingly slow second movement and a flourishing climatic final movement.
Ensemble parts are usually boring, because the soloist is the feature. Only during the brief “Tutti” sections does the ensemble get to play much more than light, soft accompaniment. The Concerto is designed to “show off” the masterful soloist and it normally takes the instrument to the limits in tempo, technique and range. Mozart wrote his Clarinet Concerto for a friend considered to be a prodigy.
For a concerto performance with just a piano accompanist, as what is always the case for solo festival, the pianist is playing a simplified transcription of the orchestra score. In most cases, other than the potential of some 16th note runs in the piano part during the “tutti” sections (which can be edited or left out without drastically changing the piece), the piano parts are relatively simple, or can usually be simplified without changing the intent of the piece.
Historically, a Sonata was written as a chamber hall piece, written for a solo instrument and solo accompanist, often to be performed in a smaller setting than a large concert hall. I won’t get into the form of each of the normally 4 movements, but a sonata is more a “duet” where both instruments are of equal importance. The Sonata is usually less of a flashy piece, rather demonstrating what the two instruments can do together, often involving subjective interpretations of tempo and dynamics.
The Problems
….in picking the Concerto, the most common disappointment is when the student performs the piece at a ridiculously slow tempo. I’ve heard a Rondo (generally a 3rd movement 6/8 time performed in a 2 beats per measure pulse) played IN SIX. Or… the flashy first movement at half the intended tempo. I’m all about telling students they can be slightly under the published tempo to help with accuracy, but drastically changing the tempo also completely changes the piece, in my opinion. If you can’t play it the way it was written or intended, choose something else. Of course, the other option is to commit the practice to get it to performance grade, because the only sound worse than the super slow tempo is the sloppy technique of an ill prepared piece, evidencing a problem to be addressed in a separate post perhaps…..HOW to practice.
When it comes to the Sonata, I can almost envision the selection. The student is pointed to the band library solo/ensemble music drawer and begins looking through the solo options. Scared of the heavier use of black ink on the concerto, the student pulls out a sonata because it looks easier.
Yeah, eighths instead of sixteenths, hardly any ‘runs’. This piece is for ME.
The pianist, who often only gets 1-2 times to practice with the student, and who is probably also accompanying 10 other soloists, has had neither the time to adequately prepare the tougher piano part, nor the understanding of how the two go together……hence the painful disaster at contest as a result of poor interpretation.
Solutions / Recommendations
Pick a piece to highlight the soloist’s strength.
If your strength is technical proficiency (you can play fast, i.e. runs and arpeggios), the 1st or 3rd movement of a concerto can be a good choice. If a beautiful tone and vibrato are what you do well, then perhaps the 2nd movement of a concerto or some other solo form; such as an ‘air’ or a sound portrait type piece, might be a better choice. If you are good at playing with a wide range of emotion AND have access and rehearsal time to a good accompanist AND time to spend with a music coach who understands the particular piece selected, THEN….a sonata can be a strong choice.
Some of the lowest scores at contest are sometimes given to a decent musician who butchered a sonata, not due to poor musicianship, but to poor interpretation and understanding.
Get some expert coaching and/or listen to professional examples of that piece performed.
If you are studying privately, you should have the expert coaching you need. Your band director can often be a good source. As a director, however, I made an error a few years ago when I interpreted an Adagio tempo for a soloist. Mine was a good metronome interpretation, but not knowing that particular piece, I didn’t realize that the traditional method of performing that solo was to interpret the Adagio at the eighth note pulse and not the quarter note. The first time I heard a judge critique, I blamed the judge. The next time, when it was a different judge saying the same thing, I concluded I was mechanically, but not musically correct.
Sometimes it is difficult to find expert coaching in a geographic area for some specific instruments. Band Directors are usually expert in at least one instrument and may be proficient on multiple, but are not expert at all. The director can help with basics of notes, rhythms, dynamics, articulations, performance pedagogy, etc. But for interpretation, in the absence of a local coach, consider additional options:
1. Internet research. You should be able to find critique or comments on a variety of solo pieces, often as part of either a contribution from a college professor expert or from research data published in intellectual papers.
2. YouTube and other video presentations. CAUTION: Anybody can post videos and some are hideous. Better sources might include college senior music major recitals. Or look for multiple presentations of a particular piece and give extra consideration to the one with the higher number of views…..or to those that represent the pattern rather than the exception from your list of options.
3. Forums or discussion groups. Search to see if others are asking similar questions or having discussions about a particular piece. Often there will be at least one “expert” contributor.
4. Find a Skype coach. Colleges are using Skype to interview applicants. So are employers. When distance is an issue, it is an acceptable alternative. Music lessons or coaching via Skype are not common but are becoming more acceptable and available.
Thanks for reading,
John
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BYODT or How Much Tape Does It Take to Stick a Director to the Wall?
There was a fun “Prize Program” that went with our Candle Sale for the band. Yes, it was one of MY (Priority Fund Raising) sales. Here was the prize description at the bottom of the letter (highlight added).
| AT THE ICE CREAM PARTY
CA$H BA$H Tape the Directors to the Wall (BYODT) Ice Cream – All You Can Eat Variety of Door Prizes Pig Races (Names drawn) FUN…FUN…FUN |
ICE CREAM PARTY for ALL who sell $100+ |
The Ice Cream Party was for all who sold over $100. There were about 50 people who qualified. The challenge was to eat all the ice cream, with the guarantee that if all the ice cream was gone, we would reschedule and do it again. NOTE: They didn’t eat all the ice cream.
BUT there would be other fun that only those at the party would experience.
- CA$H BA$H was a cash give away. Students would draw tickets for amounts of cash ranging from $1 to $50.
- DOOR PRIZES were random prize items I brought from my warehouse.
- PIG RACES will need to be another story, but they were battery operated pigs that wriggled and grunted, or walked forward. There was zero control. Names were drawn for participants. Winners got cash or door prizes.
- BYODT (Bring Your Own Duck Tape) was to be a highlight. Here’s how that went down…….
The students placed two chairs against the back wall in the band room; for Mr. Campbell and myself. And then, they had plenty of time to tape us to the wall with what they brought for the occasion
Obviously, I would require more tape.
When they finished, they gently removed Mr. Campbell’s chair from under him. He slowly slid down to the floor. So they all went about adding more tape to me.
Then….
…instead of gradually pulling out the chair, it was kicked out from under me, the way you might do if you were hanging someone….
It was such a violent (relatively speaking) maneuver that it pulled me away from the wall and I went crashing to the floor. I landed hard and, yes, it hurt……but the kids were laughing so hard I covered it up and laughed along with them.
And yes, they did help remove the tape from me and the wall.
BYODT or How Much Tape Does It Take to Stick a Director to the Wall? Read More »
Teens will listen
By John Gardner
UPDATE: This pic is from @2016. I retired in 2020, but I still like this pic and believe the point I am making.
I worked with teens for years. I thrive on their youthful enthusiasm. I have always believed that if you show them that you really care about them as an individual, and treat them with dignity and respect, that they will give it to you in return. Can you see that in this pic?
A Silly Deal with the Band
It was at my first Regional Competition at Chesterton in my first year returning to education in 2005. Mr. Campbell and I were walking back toward the buses with the judges’ “Silver” rating results. I was wearing a new school windbreaker Mr. Campbell had given me.
“You might want to take that off or flip it inside out.”, he said, with no additional comment.
I questioned him. He simply repeated the advice which I ignored because it made no sense.
We climbed up the ramp of the trailer to talk to the band. After we spoke, and when students started coming up the ramp, Mr. Campbell stopped them and said,
“Not on here. We’ll come down.”
I still had no idea.
A few seconds later they were all squirting silly string at us. It was one of those “traditions” no one had told me about. There was a “band buddy” system in place where, throughout the season, members would anonymously get small gifts for their “buddy”. But on the final competition, everybody’s gift to each other was a can of silly string.
What a mess. But, as soon as it was over, all students picked up as much of the silly string as they could. I found that impressive, but I guess it was part of the tradition … and we were at another school.
The next year, at Lafayette Jefferson, I was ready, and so were the students.
But I had a problem with the tradition and shared it with them….not sure if it was in a subsequent rehearsal or at the band banquet, but it went something like this,
“I have two problems with this silly string tradition. First, you are making a mess at someone else’s school. I know you work to clean it up, but you cannot get all of it and so there is always “evidence” that we were there.
NOTE: I started using the phrase, ‘Leave no evidence’ anytime we were needing to clean up, such as when we were having snacks or celebrating a birthday.)
And second, you are “celebrating” a SILVER rating. Yes, you’re probably celebrating the end of the season, but it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t want you to silly string ME again until you receive a GOLD rating.“
There were no “silly string” celebrations in 2007-08. But, in 2009, the band received GOLD for the first time since 2001. Speaking for both directors, I made them a “deal”…..
“Let’s have our “GOLD-rating Silly String Celebration back at HNHS, following the band banquet. Bring your stuff to the banquet, and afterward, Mr. Campbell and I will, voluntarily, meet you outside Door 34. Of course, you will have to do clean up, right?”
Deal!
I did two things to enhance our celebration. First, I brought several cans of stringy for Mr. Campbell and I to use. We knew we’d be outnumbered and surrounded, but we would not be unarmed. But also, prior to the evening, I had gone to a small group of trusted parents……
“Following the banquet, Mr. Campbell and I are going to meet the band outside Door 34. They will surround us and silly string us. When THEY surround us, I want YOU to surround THEM, and when it all breaks loose, I want YOU to silly string THEM.”
It was great.
A Silly Deal with the Band Read More »
Color coded clarinet
She was a new student who transferred in. I needed to listen to her so I could place her. I had never seen color-coded keys and it gave a good reason to have a nice get-to-know-you conversation. She said her band teacher labeled all their clarinetists’ keys like this. It was a nice horn.Wow! I’ve spent my whole teaching career explaining the fingerings and expecting students to get it.
I HAVE had students label all their music notes. I didn’t allow it if I knew about it…..explaining that they were going to encounter more notes than they were going to be able to label.
btw I wonder if that teacher labeled trumpets or trombones.
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Are America’s Classrooms profit centers for the Mental Health Industry?
I periodically listen to interviews conducted by Marissa Streit, a former classroom teacher. The title of this one caught my eye so I listened. As I did, I noted down some near quotes that I hear. These are not polished…. but give you an idea of the discussion. I didn’t agree with everything said, in particular, the parts about allowing children to walk home alone from school (or have I been affected by the hype?)…. But she kinda answers a thought I’ve had….. Why did we not have these problems, at least as pronounced, when we were kids? I don’t ever remember ‘mental health, PTSD and therapy being nearly as prominent as they seem today. I don’t intend to read the book, but parents of young children my gain from hearing this interview.Before you attack one of the comment/notes, listen to that part of the podcast and think critically about why you want to say what you want to say….and thank you for that.
from the podcast….. Listen/watch the podcast HERE
Have America’s Classrooms Become Profit Centers for the Mental Health Industry?
Why does every child talk about having anxiety?
Why are our children swimming in mental health therapy?
1 in 4 young people identifying as trans. (Girls 7th grade).
Everybody needs therapy.
Everyone is broken.
A generation that is in profound distress.
The largest patient pool for mental health therapy are from the public schools. (CA)
Trams-informed care.
Every child has emotional damaged.
Instead of sending kids to the principal, they are now sent to the counselor.
Schools as a mental health ward.
SEL Social Emotional Learning Trojan house. Teachers are not therapists.
How are you feeling? Think of a time when (pain).
Trauma informed care.
Being born black means you’ve been traumatized.
Break the family
Over medicate children
If you wanted to break them down, there would be no better way than what is currently being taught in schools under the heading of mental health.
But… we have to keep them from suicide. How to find the line.
…the child who has never thought about it is forced to think about it.
…the child who HAS thought about it….
Does your child have a serious problem you cannot fix by changing their environment? If you cannot stabilize them that way, then yes. Therapist….but research the therapist the way you would research a surgeon.
Reset the default. Step 1 should not always be therapy and medication.
Some will need it and they should get it, but we are overreacting every child creating mental disorder.
Hardship can be good for you. Certain kinds of adversity is really good for kids. Tell them the truth…that resilience is the story of the human condition. Most kids will emerge resilient. Tell them their parents went through hard things. Their grandparents went through hard things. Most will recover….a small percentage will really need professional help.
We don’t teach history so much as we’re teaching victim-hood. We don’t even teach them their own history. We need to connect them to their grandparents…what they went through. What their family, their ancestors went through.
You can get through it…because the vast majority will.
Feelings are always front and center. Being crushed under the weight of their own feelings.
PTSD traumatizing.
There are people who need help.
Kids need authority, community, independence. I can walk home from school… or to the store…or cook dinner.
I’m not shy. I have social depravity.
I’m not worried….i have anxiety.
Once you have anxiety, you need an expert to help you and you need a drug.
“You can’t say that. “
Disagreeable personality.
Don’t let someone diagnose them unless they really have a problem.
Terminology
SEL (Social Emotional Learning). Everything is a psychological program and requires group (classroom) therapy.
Memory poker (as in the game). Group setting, kids trying to “1 up” each other. Exaggerating and talking yourself into the idea that you have been traumatized.
And all this is happening instead of academics.
Parentify. Parental abuse. Why do immigrant kids do so much better? Strong parenting. Chores and helping family and community are expected. Immigrant kids running toward adulthood and American kids staying home on mamas couch because they’ve been traumatized. The world is against them.
Trauma. There are traumatized kids, but we apply it to everyone.
There is a reason why we didn’t hear these terms as children.
Trust “Parenting expert”….only if he/she raised good kids to adulthood. Not a book learned only. Books by parenting experts who have never had children. (I remember thinking this way about the college professors in the Education School who had never been away from the college campus telling us how to teach.
…and more.
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